It’s March 3rd, and you know what that means: "What if Dogs and Cats Had Opposable Thumbs Day" has arrived again, the day on which we contemplate the true meaning of how the world would be different if our pets had opposable thumbs and could do the sorts of things we humans take for granted.
The day is the brainchild of prolific holiday inventors Ruth and Tom Roy, who have created nearly a hundred holidays, with rituals and recipes for many of them. Today’s holiday ritual is simple contemplation.
So, in celebration of this day, we have been doing some serious contemplating, and rather than think of all the things our pets would do, it occurs to us that there are also a lot of things they would not do if they had thumbs; enough that we were able to compile a short list.
If our pets had thumbs, they would not …
1. …pick up their own poop.
'Cause you know they wouldn’t. They would be all, "I’ll get it later, after Courage is over."
2. …close the toilet.
You just know their justification would be "Why bother closing it when I am going to be getting a drink in a few minutes? Duh."
3. …eat their vegetables.
They’d be picking them out of their bowls and tossing them under the fridge. No doubt.
4. …close the door.
Think about it. If they had thumbs, they would open doors, but being animals, they wouldn’t bother to close them. And if we were to say, "We don’t live in a barn," they would shake their heads and say, "And why don’t we…?"
5. …ever get off Facebook.
They would spend every waking minute on their Catbooks and Dogbooks "thumbing up" every single thing Boo posted on his wall. Without irony. For realz. (You may think we are joking, but you haven't yet met Approval Cat, the cat who gives a thumbs up to everything.)
6. …stop touching themselves.
You see how much Max licks himself and humps on your sofa pillows now? Well imagine him — or her — with thumbs. Yep, you are now living with a four-legged fiend who thoroughly embarrasses you every time you have company. Eww.
We know there are lots more things our pets would and wouldn’t do if they had thumbs. What do you think yours would do?