I'm so sorry to hear about JP.

Oh my - I succumbed to the lure of trying online dating once myself. What some folks won't do or say. Can't believe the dude had the uh - guts (for lack of a better word) to write that AND ask you out. I'm a nurse and I work in a "human" poison center - I have cats because I'm not home enough for a dog, but I'm with you. I'll take my four legged friends over some people any day. I love working in a poison center and I will do my best to answer animal questions - but I refer folks your way all the time. Glad you guys are there.

Thank you so much! :) Pet Poison Helpline appreciates it! :)

I'm sure I'm in for my own bashing, but he was just being honest with you. Just as you have a strict profile, he has a right to express his concerns before going farther. If he has concerns with fighting for your attention then he should bring it up.
I don't feel he insulted your dead dog (which I'm sorry you lost). Truth is, he is right on about the part of too many pictures of your dog raises concerns in people's minds about people skills. Take it for what it is worth and don't follow up with him because of it, OR maybe appreciate his honesty and try things out, because obviously he was interested.

You're right in that I judge based on profile pictures too. If the one picture is of a man holding up his prized walleye or bass fish, I instantly archive him. :)

Prized fish OR his Monster Truck with confederate flags on the back window.

Amen sister. I'll take my dogs over MOST people anyday. This guy sounds like a jerk, insult your dog then ask you out. No way.

I'd also like to say I'm so sorry about your loss. I know how much it hurts. Two years & 7 weeks ago I lost my 6 Chihuahuas, my babies, in an arson fire. Even though I have opened my heart & new home to 9 beautiful Chihuahuas, I still feel that loss as if it where yesterday. You'll be together with JP again at the Rainbow Bridge.

If that guy thought he might have to fight critters for attention, how would he feel when your phone rang off the hook and you had to leave for an emergency?

Once again, it's amazing what a total stranger will say to you with the anonymity of the internet.

I know several vets that have happy marriages after dating a client. After all, you know they like animals and SHOULD understand the commitment of a veterinarian.

I'm with you 100% this guy is a total jerk and well beneath what you both need and want! KIA KAHA - stay strong

Kaye in Christchurch New Zealand

The point of a profile is to display who you are and what you want. You're a vet, of course animals come first in your life.
And, for the record, next to being offensive by saying something negative about a pet you recently lost, he opened his email with a description of his own insecurities. And then asked you out. Really?!

I couldn't agree more. I can handle the "feedback," but don't ask me out after that! :)

If he's concerned about having to fight for your attention, he obviously doesn't get it. When we adopt our furry family, we make a commitment to be there for them and care for them and love them for the rest of their lives. So anybody wanting to get into a relationship with us has to recognize that we have already made a lifelong commitment and they can't change that. I have had more than 1 guy leave my life because he wanted me to choose between him and my dog, and good riddance to anyone who would be jerk enough to even think such a thing. My dog would never want me to choose.

I LOVE THIS BLOG POST! I'm single with a dog and FIVE cats! So my future boyfriend had better love pets.

First, let me say that the "jerk" as you so appropriately titled him, has a lot to learn about online dating or dating in period.

In your profile you are honest about your interests. While the jerk was honest in his own perception of you, he was insulting you! This is a sign of poor communication skills. He should get to know you first and go out on a few dates and wait to reach that "candid level" in a developing friendship.

Were you too crass or too hard? Not at all. You reciprocated the style of communication--honest and straightforward.

Second, your photo is honest and says that you love pets and any pet of yours is like your child. Hence our children are an integral part of our lives. They are not disposable or secondary. This lets the potential dater know that it's like a dating a single mother with kids. You're a package deal. Either he's willing to date someone who loves pets or he needs to move on. He will not change you.

I personally would NEVER give up my cats and dog for any man. They are my CHILDREN. I talk to them, train them, nuture them, play with them. It's a lifetime commitment. If a potential boyfriend/fiance is allergic to cats, he either needs to find an allergy medicine or move on.

Lastly, as one who works with stray cats, I too love animals more than people. That's why I want to go to cat/dog heaven.

Dating is hard in Miami as a single female, and perhaps harder with multiple pets. My girlfriend has 9 cats and her relationship with her fiance ended. But not over the cats. Actually he loved cats and helped in trapping and rescuing. They had other issues. But remain good friends. However she's finding it hard to date and SHE'S GORGEOUS. Which means it will be harder for us chopped liver. But I don't lose any sleep or incur any stress. I LOVE MY LIFE! My home and my pets and all three jobs! Including helping stray cats. My life is fulfilling. A handsome prince would just be an added bonus.

Your requirements are exactly same as mine! Hot, loyal, educated and must love pets. So no you're not asking too much.

Good luck Justine!
www.aboutchristinemichaels.com

Love your comments, and love your website! :)

Well you inspired me to write a similar posting on my blog and I referred to your story with a link! Maybe some men will read this and it will shed their insecurities! Thanks, Christine
www.aboutchristinemichaels.com

That's too funny. I heard a story from a friend that she met a new guy for lunch. When she told him that she had 8 cats, he asked if she was willing to "get rid of" (I hate that phrase!) some of them.

She then asked how many children he had to which he replied, "Four". She asked if he was willing to get rid of some of them.

He promptly got up and left.

This guy sounds controlling and definitely has enough ego for a family of four (minimum). I don't have a problem with him being put off by pictures of you and your dog. Some people aren't into pets. That said, why on earth would someone who is put off by that write a note? He definitely lacks sincerity!

Not too harsh. Your note was in response to a note to you which lacked taste.

I think you used an amazing amount of restraint with that guy. How dare he judge you when he doesn't even know you first of all, and second of all, why did he even bother to write you? I think he wanted a confrontation with you to be honest. He's a jerk. He doesn't deserve a moment of your time.

I do the same things. I try to fill a hole when something big happens like the loss of a pet. In the long run it does not work, I cant fix myself with a relationship....but it is a fun diversion along the way. I have met some hot crazy women but it never was a good idea to use it to try to fix something in my life.

On-line dating I have found that you will meet all types, idiots, good people, as#holes and so on. Because of the ease of reaching out you will meet all these types much faster. The problem is that there are more idiots and as#holes than good people so it becomes a test of endurance.

As far as the guy..right or wrong...It is not something I would have done. If I am not interested in someone because of something they say or because of a picture I dont write them about it. If you have lots of pictures of your dog with you it is kind of dumb to ask you to change that because anyone can see your pets are an important part of your life.

I am sorry JP is gone and I know how much it hurts. Just be good to yourself and if this dating site hurts more than it helps you can always drop it and return to it at another time. There is nothing wrong with changing your mind.

You guys are all incredible! :) I totally agree (especially with @rockjdog)... nothing fills the void of a dog's love!

Just got JP's ashes back yesterday, and planning out my "scattering" route. Missing him, but feeling really at peace with my decision. Not having to see him pant miserably in the heat from the prednisone, or having difficulty getting up the stairs brings some relief to my heart. Having an end to chronic illness also has some relief too...

Long journey, but feel so supported - thank you to each individual person who reached out, responded, and cared!

Pet owners rock. :) Thank you all...

You are right, loss of a loved one is a long journey. It is sad, hard and lonely. Once I went to a grief counselor when I was having a hard time concentrating after the loss of a pet.
I had never done that before but WOW, what a difference it made in the process.
Surround yourself with people you can talk to.
Keep talking about him, about how you feel. Share what you are going through.

Of course you know this already but as a reminder be selective as some people can be insensitive.



It takes time..It is a long journey but you don't have to do it alone.

Justine, your comment on planning your scattering route for JP's ashes made me think of my plans. I have the ashes of Max, who was with me for 14 1/2 yrs, also the ashes of the 6 I lost in the arson fire. I plan on being cremated myself & my home will go to my Daughter & son-in-law. My ashes are to be mixed with all my dogs then my son-in-law is to plant some kind of small tree and mix the ashes with the dirt. My former vet gave me that idea when he did the same with his mother-in-law's ashes. I thought it was a get idea.

I have 5 special needs dogs that are my priority not only because they have to be but because I love them like I birthed them myself. I get the same reaction that you got from this guy from my family and friends. My answer is "this is exactly why I like animals better than people"!

PS - I would kill to date a hot, educated, loyal vet. I don't believe that kind exists.

Justine,

While I suspect your target audience on this post was female, may I intrude and add a male perspective? It seems that females cannot squish down hard enough the tired cliche of men only wanting women with nice bodies and little else to offer. And yet if a man is direct and honest with his feelings as this man was, you shut him down as an obvious troglodyte without feelings. He was actually sensitive to your feelings. He knew that you have a special love for animals. He knew that may cause some friction in the relationship, if one were to occur. Yet he pushed on. You strike him down without a second thought. Luckily Mary Matilin did not shoot down Jim Carville and vice versa despite their disparate views of politics. This type of list of intelligent people who choose to love and put themselves out there is long yet is much too short. Relationships are a risk. You choose to end them by setting up false standards such as "love me, love my dog". What is really the problem is that you seem to shy away from risk, shy away from truly loving. One should not search only for version of themselves with different genitals, one should risk loving an individual for themselves. In this case, it seems, the man was willing to try. You were not.

I am a dude too and I’ll have to disagree with remvetnj here.
The suitor writes he is put off by the photos and he is sure other people are to. What the heck? Why is he bringing in the other people? Does that mean every time he does not like something we have to hear this nut assure us “the other people are not amused”? Who are these other people and how does he know what they think?

Then the suitor writes to Justine that he is worried he will have to fight for her attention and affection?
Oh man that is so weird on so many levels. My wife pays all kinds of attention to our pets but she can’t make love to them, she can’t have a conversation with them or go to the movies or do 100’s of other things that ONLY human couples can do.

If it were me and I was worried that much I would have just passed and not written.
What he should have done is just ask her out and get to know her. If her attention or affection becomes an issue then you talk about it. I have never told a woman before I asked her out that I am worried she won’t pay attention or give me affection.

It is just too spooky to think like that.

Out of curiosity, would you also be straight forward and tell a person they were overweight and appeared to have an eating problem and do that when you had never met the person and had only seen a picture?

I guess I screwed up and attached this to the wrong post. I hope that those who read see that I was referring to those who felt 'straight forward honesty' was appropriate in all circumstances. If one has a problem or sees a problem with a person -- i.e., to them the person appears too close to her animals, then pass on by. There is no purpose in making such comments.

here, here

@Englenook. Believe it or not, people DO apparently point out the obvious from behind the anonymity of the internet.

A friend of mine isn't a Skinny Minnie, but posted an honest picture of herself. She's a classy gal, funny as heck and intelligent to boot. She apparently got some really nasty messages about her weight which hurt her terribly.

It mystifies me how total strangers can be rude as well as cruel.

It's apparently a whole new world when it comes to online dating etiquette.

Personally, when I see a profile of a guy holding up his prized catch (fish), I don't tell them that their 1) fish is small and 2) they better not let fishing be a priority over me and my affections. :)

Isn't dating FUN! :)

"You choose to end them by setting up false standards such as "love me, love my dog"."

This is not a false standard at all for me. It's an absolute requirement that I will never budge on. Animals are a huge part of my life and often come first when I care for them, pull them from gassing shelters, pick them up on the side of the road tossed like trash when fighters are done with the bait. So yeah, love me, love my dog or don't even bother trying.

So many men think that they will be the one to change me. The one to get me to stop pursuing my passion and be a normal woman. It's never going to happen. Animals are my passion, why on earth would anybody want to take that away?

you have confidence which the suitor of this story was lacking.

Ditto. It's not a false standard if it is TRUE. I am a vet. I am an animal person. I like people, but if someone wants to be a permanent fixture in my life, they'd better love animals too and understand that my life, both personally and professionally, is bound up in that. Better to head it off at the pass if someone isn't willing to deal with me and my pets.

Yes, I do agree! I have a pic of me with my dog! And, in fact, my profile says, "...if you are afraid of pit bulls, you are totally NOT my type, so don't waste our time!"

It sounds to me like the guy has some issues of his own to work through before trying to diagnose you!

Dr. Lee,

You are not at all wrong, in my opinion, about laying it on the line like that. 15 years ago I placed a personal add in a local paper looking for men to date that held the same love of animals as I did. I was 30 and still single as well. I had a few dates with non qualified persons but found my current husband then. He was looking for someone that loved dogs and other animals as much as he did. We have been married for 12 years and have had 10 dogs in our home. A few came into the marriage and then after. We have only two dogs left today as the rest became old and passed due to old age. Don't give up your convictions regarding animals or any other moral belief because your soul mate will find you eventually.

Amen, sister. :)