This week, let's take a break from medicine and look at pet caretaking from a lighter point of view. I present to you this farcical take on a college course catalog: If cats went to college.

 

Kitty Course Calendar: Spring 2015

 

We are excited to present our course offerings for the Spring 2015 semester at Kitty Kollege. We are delighted you have elected to enroll at our institution and welcome you with open arms (though we understand completely that you won’t stand being held for more than 0.7 seconds.)

 

We recommend you select your courses carefully and speak with your career advisors before registering. However, as we are well aware, you are cats; we know you will do what ever it is you feel like doing, with or without human input.

 

Good luck!

 

Vocational Courses

 

Artful Vomiting: Explore your creative side while learning to accurately expel gastric contents onto expensive pieces of furniture, bedding, and flooring. Having trouble aiming your partially digested kibble away from surfaces that are easy to clean on to more complicated fabrics? Want to learn how to produce up to six perfectly symmetrical, yet variably hued, pools of bile over a the space of a single living room? Need to learn the secrets to upchucking quietly under the bed so your special “present” won’t be found for years? This is the course for you!

 

Meets: Monday mornings, Thursday evenings, and randomly for three days in a row TBD.

 

 

Advanced Ants In Your Pants!: This upper level course is designed to teach agile felines how to perfect their technique of randomly running around at top speed while simultaneously making “bird noises” and then stopping to jump up on the wall while yowling like their tail is caught in an electric socket.

 

Meets: Nightly between 12 a.m. - 2 a.m.

 

 

Introduction to Picky Eating: Learn how to voraciously ingest a tiny sample of cat food one single time, then refuse to eat that product again only after your human has purchased a significantly large and expensive quantity of it. Perfect your ability to sit and stare disdainfully at a completely full bowl of dry cat food. Emphasis will be placed on learning to vocalize loudly whenever your human opens the refrigerator or pantry door.

 

Meets: Every Tuesday and random Thursdays only.

 

 

Credit Courses

 

Boxes Are Awesome!!!: This is an introductory course designed to teach kittens and young adult cats the wonders of four-sided cardboard containers. Participants will learn how to leap in and out of the boxes, beginning by randomly sitting on a flat piece of paper, then working your way up to larger, more elaborate structures such as sinks, shipping boxes, and suitcases. You will learn to love the feeling of being confined in a small space while peering eerily outward at your human.

 

Meets: Holidays, Birthdays, and Vacation Days.

 

 

Making Muffins!: Can’t get enough of kneading your claws on tingly and tantalizing tactile teasing fabrics such as fleece, velvet, or cashmere? This course will be devoted entirely to perfectly pleasing your paws as you learn how to gently extend and retract your toes and nails, while simultaneously squinting, purring dreamily, and snoozing. Warning: Due to hygiene concerns, droolers will not be permitted to take this course!

 

Meets: Daily during cat nap hour.

 

 

Knock It Off: Frustrated by your human's incessant need to disrupt your valuable time spent aimlessly sitting on a kitchen countertop, desk, or TV stand by placing pesky objects like pens, drinking glasses, or remote controls directly in your path? This course will teach you everything you need to know to swiftly and deftly bat those annoying nuisances off the edge of what is rightfully your space. The first part of the semester will focus on the basics of swatting, with a focus on timing and speed of limb/tail movement, while the second half will dive deeper into techniques such as “wait to do it until the humans sit in another room,”, “keep pushing it off no matter how many times they replace it,” and the Kitty Kollege patented move of “turn your head away from the object, swipe, jump down, and knock it under the coffee table.”

 

Meets: Monday and Wednesday during dinnertime.

 

 

I’m Not Going In There!: This course is designed to desensitize students with phobias associated with the confined spaces of a cat carrier. You will learn relaxation techniques designed to suppress your urge to contort your body in physics defying directions when a human attempts to place you inside “The Box.” You will no longer feel the need to scream and empty all of your orifices of their biological contents at once when placed inside the carrier.

 

Meets: Saturday mornings at the local veterinary clinic. 

Course prerequisite: Boxes Are Awesome!!!

 

 

Stranger Danger: Students will learn the basics of “Kitty Self Defense” from our accredited personal safety instructors. No cat is sheltered from the potential horrors that could be inflicted by the world’s most terrifying perpetrators, including all non-immediately recognizable human beings, the sound of a doorbell (including those from the television), other furry four-legged creatures humans refer to as “dogs,” and the most terrifying monster of all time: The Vacuum. Participants will learn how to puff up their tails, pin their ears back, and run swiftly under the nearest bed when presented with each of the aforementioned triggers.

 

Meets: Saturday mornings and randomly throughout the semester with no advanced notice.

 

 

Once again, we are so thrilled you have decided to matriculate at Kitty Kollege!  We look forward to serving all of your needs, both academically and socially. 

 

Please do not hesitate to stare at us disparagingly, sleep just out of our reach on our beds, and tear into our tender flesh as we continue to force our love on your precious furry bellies.

 

 

Dr. Joanne Intile

 

Image: Aivolie / Shutterstock