When veterinarians need to blow off some steam, they sometimes post comments to the Veterinary Information Network’s numerous veterinarian-only threads. In some cases, they even pen letters they wish they could have written...to their misbehaving clients.

Here’s one I’ve written to help elucidate the themes in evidence on a “Dear Client” thread on VIN:

Dear Client: Thank you for making the effort to arrive at my hospital with all your children and their respective playmates. They were a joy––particularly the one who had so much fun wrapping himself like a mummy in your dog’s Flexi-leash.

I especially liked that you saved me so much time by coming in with a diagnosis for your pet’s condition already formulated. It’s truly amazing what the Internet can teach you in just a few seconds. I’m sure the antibiotics you so sagely requested will help with that cruciate ligament tear your dog’s suffering from.

And yes, yes, YES! I was so gratified to have my staff reminded of how much you do, as just one client, to fund our operations. They need to be put in their place every once in a while. So thanks for taking my staff’s training to the next level.

As a token of my gratitude, maybe next time I can offer you a discount on all your services. Better yet, perhaps I’ll refund you those $10 on the anal gland thing you demanded I do. You were so disappointed that I could possibly charge you after I demonstrated they weren’t full that I think you deserve your money back.

But next time, please make sure your husband comes, too. Gotta love the way he contradicts everything I say. Keeps me on my toes, you know?

Ta-ta until next time!

Dr. X

***

Yes, that’s a whole lot of sarcasm before noon. But what can I say? Writing these is great fun.

Now, before you start to stress over veterinary “Dear Client” letters and how we could possibly be so ungrateful in the face of a paying customer, take a moment to think on YOUR work life. Maybe a string of Dear Client letters is in your future, too.

After all, the object of your stress need not see the evidence of your catharsis, right? And it feels sooooo good.

Go ahead. Write one below. I dare you.