For Dolittler's Memorial Day 2008 edition, here's a satirical look at the Menu Foods settlement offer...

In case you hadn’t heard, Menu Foods announced a settlement offer of $24 Million to compensate pet owners for the expenses they incurred after last year’ massive pet food recall.

According to, if the presiding New Jersey court approves the offer…

“…any and all pet owners impacted by the Menu pet food recall will be eligible for compensation for any, and all documented expenses related to the illness, or death of their pet—including veterinarian bills, or burial costs. Pet owners who may have been forced, or elected to take time off work could also expect compensation for time lost on the job. Burial expenses would also be covered. For anyone without documented expenses, consumers can expect to be reimbursed for up to $900.”

Hmmm…$900…If I were an aggrieved party I bet I could use all that great money to buy some of these items I’ve been hankering for:

A glorious, last-season Apple iMac with a 20-inch display. ($940)

The Canon Hi-Def Camcorder of my dreams. ($820)

The System One Vacuum Source milking machine for up to two goats! ($995)

Twenty balls of hand-dyed cashmere in the most serene shade of seafoam-green for the softest, most luxurious over-sized, hand-knit sweater EVER! ($920)

Perhaps just one 2.5-ounce tuber magnatum pico (the Italian white truffle of lore) so that I can shave it over scrambled eggs with cream, add it to a delicate, fresh-cheese pasta and infuse shards of it into my crème anglaise to ladle over pears for the guiltiest of guilty-pleasure menus. ($875).

Oh, one more I'd nearly forgotten...a special pet casket, 24 inches of gorgeous luxury. Sure, I'd go a bit over-budget but my pet would be worth it, right? ($990)

…or maybe I would just use my windfall to pay down about 15% of the credit card debt I racked up after Fluffy’s diagnosis of acute renal failure.

I guess it’s up to you…but I’d rather eat truffles.