Ever thought the Internet was limitless? I seem to have plumbed its depths with this one…finding a buck willing to donate his semen for a good cause: my Poppy’s pregnancy and milking potential.

It’s not as if I’m asking for a handout. I’m willing to pay handsomely for said buck’s smiling little spermatozoa. I’ll take it fresh, fresh frozen or pelleted—take your pick. Problem is, the goat people I’ve chatted with online don’t seem to be set up to perform such a harrowing feat—that is, collecting semen from a prize buck and overnighting it on ice (dry ice or liquid nitrogen, preferably, but I’ll take what I can get at this point as long as it works).

Actually, the buck I’m looking for doesn’t even need to be that special. He just needs some Nubian-cross genes, weigh in at no more than 75 pounds, have a pleasant demeanor, carry high-butterfat genetics and a offer a lively store of replenishable sperm. Is that too much to ask? (Somehow I feel like I’m dating all over again.)

I wonder at this industry reluctance to ship semen. After all, we do it for dogs, horses and cattle all the time. Is it because hobby farms abound with bucks? (Male goats may smell bad but they’re otherwise easy to keep.) Is it the yuckiness of the whole artificial insemination thing? (Having to get all fiddly with the timing and mess of tubes and pipets may well be too much for most reasonable hobby farmers—though it’s one heck of a lot cleaner than the birthing part.)

I, on the other hand, relish the ease an independence of AI. With this approach, I can keep my girl safe and solitary until one of her female babes joins her ranks. Plus, I can pick her boyfriend from across the planet if I want to (Miami has no goat dairies so my local options are limited). That’s the idea anyway.

Maybe I’m just looking for love in all the wrong places. So here’s where I turn to you as the breeding season reaches its peak: Does anyone have an in? I found a vet tech by appealing to you in my most desperate moments. Maybe Poppy can benefit from the same sort of sniveling.

So come on, guys, help prove the power of the Web yet again in the eyes of this lonely Floridian goatherd. Hmmm…I wonder if this would work if ever I needed a mew mate of my own…