I’ve often thought that when a product I want doesn’t exist it’s because something really important stands between my imagination and reality. I assume this much is true when it comes to implantable GPS trackers in pets.

 

They must be too big. Or too unpredictable. Or too something. Because they can’t be too expensive. I mean, how many others, like me, fear the physical loss of a pet more than that of a limb or a similar appendage? There must be tens of thousands in the US alone. Maybe hundreds! So surely there’s a market. Then why’s there no device?

 

I know about the collars but that only works when you live in Kansas and your next door neighbor three counties over can be trusted to check the collar. (Failing that, they’d at least look for a microchip—or maybe refer to the classified ads.)

 

Here in Miami, a French bulldog pup has dollar signs on its domed forehead. No microchip will help when the bulk of the population isn’t exactly worried about who might be missing their obviously purebred puppy. Property’s property. Might as well be a ladies’ purse at a bus stop.

 

And then there’s the Starbuck’s stop heist. God knows I lock my door every time I stop to pick up a coffee and my dogs are in the car. The windows? Cracked to just a wee less than a six-month-old Frenchie’s skull. I trust no one.

 

You like my dog? Unless I’m at work or I know you, I’ve been known to respond with a scowl: He’s mine. Get your own.

 

Maybe Miami is not the place for me, given my suspicions. Or maybe my protectiveness is a mite out of control. Both, probably. But I’m getting a tad off topic here. The real issue is that I want a GPS for my dog, dammit!

 

 

And, like Violet in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I want it NOW!