For the dog who has everything: “Neuticles.” The tag line for the product?: "It’s like nothing ever changed!"

“Neuticles” are testicular implants. I imagine the human version of this product was devised for testicular cancer survivors in need of replacements—the kind of things Lance Armstrong would have if only they didn’t get in the way of his career.

Neuticles are kind of cool. They’re solid silicone implants, roughly egg-shaped, and designed in several sizes to meet the needs of any dog facing the dreaded cosmetic effects of the neutering procedure.

They are implanted while the dog is having his testicles out—immediately afterwards, actually, when there’s new room in the sac to stick them in. It’s easy to do and I haven’t had any complications with the procedure—yet.

I usually offer these suckers when owners express reluctance to neuter their pets for fear that it will reduce the appearance of capable virility and male dogliness. If cosmesis is at all an issue, I offer the falsies.

Some veterinarians and animal rights activists have railed against the procedure as just another unnecessary cosmetic surgery. They liken Neuticles to ear cropping, tail docking, and declawing.

I could not disagree more.

1-It is no more painful to the dog than a simple neuter. True, I don’t know this from personal experience, only from the equivalent comfort levels these dogs display during recovery. Post-surgical swelling of the scrotum is actually reduced somewhat in my cases.

2-The risk of infection, or reaction to the implant, is reportedly very low—1%.

3-It leads people who would otherwise shy away from neutering their dog (for cosmetic reasons) to do so.

The reality is that a great many people are shallow, appearance-oriented, and ignorant. Nowhere is this more true, in my humble opinion, than in Miami (especially on South Beach where I practiced medicine for many years). I am a Miami native so I feel I can say this with impunity.

If people feel the need to have an intact-looking dog and this is the only way they’ll be convinced to neuter their pets then—what the hell—I’m all for it.

Those who disagree do so with an eye towards combating ignorance. Yet they would rather see pets suffer for their owners` failings than admit to the very real persistence of dog-related ignorance in our culture. Face it, vituperation will not change our social ills.

To disallow Neuticles on principle is shortsighted. Here’s one place where the Burger King credo should hold. "Have it your way." It’s no surprise their headquarters are located in Miami.