Today is a whirl of ridiculous pre-Christmas traffic with all kinds of stupid people driving stupidly to get their stupid presents for relatives even they consider stupid. And so I ask myself—what’s wrong with turning on the computer on the weekend after Thanksgiving and getting all your presents there? What’s wrong with these people? Is it the thrill of the collective lemming-like launch into the oblivion of masochism that drives us? We must love this crap! It’s the fear of leaving it to the last minute. It’s the adrenaline of the road rage. It’s the thing everyone else does, goddammit—so why can’t I?

So this diatribe poses the obvious question. What is a lemming?

A lemming is a small, rodent-like animal devoid of any individual thought. It is a prisoner of its instincts much the way your boyfriend gets when he goes to s strip club. This is yet another interesting segue but I’ll end this all now, thank you.